Bessel van der Kolk on Failure: How Trauma Shapes Our Response to Setbacks

I used to think failure was just a matter of not trying hard enough. Then I read Bessel van der Kolk’s The Body Keeps the Score, and everything shifted. As a psychiatrist who has spent decades working with trauma survivors, van der Kolk helped me understand that how we respond to failure isn’t just psychological—it’s deeply physiological, shaped by our past experiences and the way our nervous systems have learned to react to stress.

Van der Kolk didn’t come to this understanding through theory alone. His approach to failure—and how we recover from it—was forged in real clinical moments with people who had faced crushing setbacks. Here’s how he’s approached failure, both in his patients and in his own journey.

## How Trauma Changes Our Relationship With Failure

One of van der Kolk’s most powerful insights is that trauma rewires how we perceive and respond to failure. He often cites the example of a war veteran who, after surviving a deadly ambush, begins to see every minor mistake at work as a life-or-death failure. The veteran isn’t overreacting—he’s responding to a brain that’s been conditioned to equate failure with survival.

Van der Kolk explains that trauma doesn’t just live in the mind; it lives in the body. When someone has been through extreme stress, their nervous system becomes hyper-vigilant. A missed deadline, a rejected application—these aren’t just disappointments. They trigger the same fear response that once helped them survive real danger.

## Failure as a Mirror of Childhood Experiences

In his clinical work, van der Kolk has seen how early attachment patterns shape adult reactions to failure. He once worked with a woman who collapsed emotionally every time she received constructive criticism at work. Through therapy, she uncovered that her father had punished her harshly for any mistake as a child. In her mind, failure wasn’t just disappointing—it was dangerous.

Van der Kolk helped her reframe her relationship with failure by exploring how her childhood environment had taught her to interpret mistakes. He didn’t try to erase the past, but he helped her recognize that her adult world wasn’t as punitive as her childhood had been.

## Embracing Failure as Part of Healing

Van der Kolk himself has had to face professional setbacks. Early in his career, when he began advocating for trauma-informed care, many in the psychiatric community dismissed his ideas. He was criticized for focusing too much on the body and not enough on traditional talk therapy.

But he didn’t retreat. Instead, he used those failures to refine his message. He leaned into alternative therapies like yoga, EMDR, and theater for trauma recovery—approaches that were once considered fringe but are now widely accepted in trauma treatment.

## Why We Avoid Risk After Failure

Another pattern van der Kolk has observed is how trauma survivors often avoid taking risks after experiencing failure. He recalls a patient who had once been an ambitious entrepreneur but stopped pursuing new ventures after a business failed. The failure didn’t just hurt financially—it triggered a sense of shame rooted in childhood neglect.

Van der Kolk worked with him to rebuild tolerance for uncertainty. Rather than jumping back into high-stakes projects, they started small: public speaking at a local event, then pitching a new idea to a few trusted investors. The process wasn’t about avoiding failure—it was about learning to tolerate it.

## How to Rebuild After Failure

Van der Kolk’s approach to rebuilding after failure is grounded in neuroplasticity—the brain’s ability to change. He encourages people to create new experiences that overwrite old failure scripts. One of his favorite methods is movement therapy. He’s seen patients regain confidence not through affirmations, but through physical activities that help them feel capable and in control.

He also emphasizes the importance of community. In one case, a woman recovering from a major career failure found healing through group drumming sessions. The rhythm and connection helped her nervous system reset, giving her the resilience to try again.

Failure, van der Kolk reminds us, doesn’t define us—it reveals us. And in that revelation lies the opportunity to grow.

Ready to explore how failure has shaped your story? On HoloDream, you can talk to Bessel van der Kolk and ask him how he helps people recover from setbacks. His insights might just change how you see your next failure.