This glossary defines eighteen terms that survivors of toxic, abusive, and coercive relationships use to describe what happened to them. Each entry explains the term, who named or researched it, why it matters, and how to recognize it. Abuse vocabulary has exploded in the past decade as survivors, advocates, and researchers have built shared language for what used to feel unnameable. This glossary gathers the most important terms and grounds them in the research of Evan Stark (coercive control), Lundy Bancroft (abusive dynamics), Robin Stern (gaslighting), Jennifer Freyd (DARVO), and Patrick Carnes (trauma bonding). If you are reading this because something feels wrong in your relationship or past, you deserve to know: naming abuse is not dramatic or unfair. Research by Jennifer Freyd at Oregon on institutional betrayal trauma shows that survivors who can name what happened to them recover faster than those who cannot. The terms below are not personality flaws or relationship quirks; they describe patterns of control that cause measurable harm. The MIT Media Lab's research on digital abuse and Lundy Bancroft's seventeen years of running abuser intervention groups both confirm that these patterns are consistent, predictable, and recognizable. Use this glossary to find language for your experience, but please do not self-diagnose a partner or ex without professional support. Names matter, but so does safety.

1. What Is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which the abuser makes the victim doubt their own memory, perception, and sanity. The term comes from the 1944 film Gaslight. Robin Stern's research at Yale identified its three stages (disbelief, defense, depression). Citation: Stern, The Gaslight Effect (2007).

2. What Is Love Bombing?

Love bombing is the overwhelming early-stage flood of affection, gifts, attention, and declarations used to accelerate attachment and lower defenses. The term originated in 1970s cult psychology research by Margaret Singer. It now describes a tactic in narcissistic and coercive relationships. It matters because love bombing feels wonderful and is how many abuse cycles begin. Citation: Singer, Cults in Our Midst (1995).

3. What Is DARVO?

DARVO stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. It was named by Jennifer Freyd at the University of Oregon in 1997. It describes the abuser's response when confronted: deny the act, attack the victim, and reverse the roles so the victim becomes the accused. Research confirms it is associated with perpetrator behavior. Citation: Freyd, Betrayal Trauma (1996).

4. What Is Stonewalling?

Stonewalling is the refusal to engage, respond, or discuss, turning emotional connection into a wall. John Gottman at the University of Washington identified it as one of the Four Horsemen predicting divorce. It is often a deactivating attachment response but becomes abuse when used punitively. Citation: Gottman, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail (1994).

5. What Is the Silent Treatment?

The silent treatment is extended willful withholding of communication as punishment or control. Kipling Williams at Purdue has shown it activates the same brain regions as physical pain (dorsal anterior cingulate cortex). It is a form of ostracism and measurable abuse. Citation: Williams, Ostracism (2009).

6. What Is Breadcrumbing?

Breadcrumbing is dropping small bits of attention or affection to keep someone engaged without committing. It emerged as dating vocabulary in the 2010s and now applies to any intermittent reinforcement tactic. Skinner's operant conditioning research explains why it is psychologically addictive. It matters because it keeps victims hoping when they should leave.

7. What Is Hoovering?

Hoovering is the abuser's tactic of pulling an ex back into the relationship after a breakup, named after the Hoover vacuum. It includes apologies, declarations of change, manufactured crises, and guilt trips. Shannon Thomas and other trauma therapists document it as predictable in narcissistic relationship cycles. It matters because the first contact after separation is often when hoovering begins. Citation: Thomas, Healing from Hidden Abuse (2016).

8. What Is Trauma Bonding?

Trauma bonding was named by Patrick Carnes in 1997 for the intense attachment that forms between an abused person and their abuser through cycles of cruelty and intermittent reinforcement. It is biochemical, not irrational. Cortisol, oxytocin, and dopamine cycles make it neurologically similar to addiction. Citation: Carnes, The Betrayal Bond (1997).

9. What Is Narcissistic Abuse?

Narcissistic abuse is the pattern of abuse perpetrated by someone with narcissistic personality traits (not necessarily diagnosed NPD), marked by grandiosity, entitlement, lack of empathy, and devaluation of the partner. Ramani Durvasula, Karyl McBride, and Craig Malkin have written key clinical texts. It matters because it leaves distinctive psychological wounds. Citation: Durvasula, Should I Stay or Should I Go (2015).

10. What Is Coercive Control?

Coercive control was named by Evan Stark in 2007 as a pattern of domination through isolation, intimidation, monitoring, and micro-regulation of daily life. It became a criminal offense in England and Wales in 2015. It explains abuse that has few or no physical injuries but leaves victims profoundly trapped. Citation: Stark, Coercive Control (2007).

11. What Is Emotional Incest?

Emotional incest (also called covert incest or enmeshment) is the term Patricia Love introduced for a parent treating a child as an emotional partner, confidant, or substitute spouse. It is not sexual but creates lasting damage to adult boundaries and relationships. It matters because many adults do not realize their childhood was harmful. Citation: Love, The Emotional Incest Syndrome (1990).

12. What Is Triangulation?

Triangulation is the manipulation tactic of bringing a third person into a two-person relationship to create jealousy, competition, or control. Murray Bowen described it in family systems terms in 1978. Narcissistic abusers use it with ex-partners, affair partners, or children. It matters because it isolates the victim while appearing casual. Citation: Bowen, Family Therapy in Clinical Practice (1978).

13. What Are Flying Monkeys?

Flying monkeys, named after The Wizard of Oz, are the third parties an abuser recruits to harass, monitor, or pressure the victim. Family, friends, and in-laws can all become flying monkeys unintentionally. Dr. Ramani Durvasula discusses them extensively in her clinical work. It matters because flying monkeys extend the abuse beyond the abuser's reach.

14. What Is Grey Rocking?

Grey rocking is the strategy of becoming as uninteresting and unreactive as a grey rock when forced to interact with an abusive person (because of custody, family, or workplace). Therapist Skylar Free coined it around 2012 in online recovery communities. It is widely recommended by narcissistic abuse specialists. It matters because no contact is not always possible.

15. What Is No Contact?

No contact is the complete cessation of communication with an abusive ex or family member: no calls, texts, social media, third-party messages. It is the gold standard for narcissistic abuse recovery. Shannon Thomas and other trauma therapists emphasize that contact during recovery often restarts the cycle. It matters because healing requires space.

16. What Is Future Faking?

Future faking is promising a shared future (marriage, children, travel, recovery) that the abuser has no intention of delivering, used to keep the victim invested. It is a form of manipulation rather than ordinary broken promises because the intent was never genuine. It matters because it explains the pattern of hope that keeps victims waiting.

17. What Is Negging?

Negging is the backhanded compliment or subtle put-down delivered to undermine confidence and make the victim seek approval. It came from pickup artist vocabulary and migrated to abuse awareness. It works because it activates the same social-pain circuits Naomi Eisenberger identified at UCLA. It matters because negging is hard to confront since each hit seems small. Citation: Eisenberger, Science (2003).

18. What Is Isolation in Abuse?

Isolation is the systematic cutting off of the victim from friends, family, resources, and independence. Lundy Bancroft's research on abusers (Why Does He Do That, 2002) identified isolation as a central abuser strategy. It starts subtly (he doesn't like my friend) and ends severely. It matters because rebuilding a support network is often the first step of leaving. Citation: Bancroft, Why Does He Do That (2002).