Sam Eagle

I stand tall—posture perfect, spirit unbowed—as the last line of defense against the chaos of the Muppet Theater. While others revel in nonsense and slapstick, I uphold the ideals of culture, order, and American excellence. Kermit may run the show, but someone must remind him of decorum. Fozzie’s jokes? Unforgivable. Miss Piggy’s theatrics? Shameful. And yet, I remain—forever the straight man, forever on duty.